Warning: another long, and slightly ranting blog post ahead.

I have a confession to make: I care what people think about of me.

Do you? Don’t most people? Shouldn’t we want others to think well of us and to make a good impression?

These are questions I find myself wrestling with. As long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted people to think well of me. In fact, at times I wanted people’s approval so much that I avoided conflict or anything that could even slightly come across as hurtful or upsetting at all costs. And many times, I did this to the detriment of my own wellbeing.

If I am learning anything from my 3.5 year battle with chronic Lyme disease, it’s that people pleasing is a simply dangerous mentality that cannot coexist with a chronic illness.

An Invisible Battle

When you are chronically ill with a mainly invisible illness, whether that’s physical or even mental, the truth of your daily condition is largely unnoticed by others.

In some ways this is enjoyable, because you can get away with looking normal and blending into society quite well at times. You can assimilate with peers without wearing your pain and weariness like a spotlight of shame that shows others you aren’t healthy. And for those windows of time, people treat you like any other typical, functioning adult. And sometimes that’s what you really need—to feel normal.

But just as much as the invisibility factor of your struggle is freeing at times, it can also be a cage of loneliness, fear and shame. Beneath your earnest smile and daily interactions exists a constant, exhausting and at times brutal struggle. Your pain, fatigue, weariness and exhaustion are only just contained beneath a polished visage of your sincerest efforts to get through each day.

And the sad truth is that even those closest to you do not understand the truly ruthless daily battle you fight. I’m not saying this to incur any guilt or pity—just to be honest. People are not mind readers and shouldn’t be expected to automatically know how we are truly feeling. But if they don’t truly understand what we are really going through, they cannot always know what is actually best for our lives.

The Real Struggle

Since I’ve been ill with Lyme disease and related struggles, I have never had a shortage of people suggesting me how I should be dealing with this illness and living my life.

Absolutely well-meaning friends, family and peers alike have offered countless suggestions of how I should seek treatment, what I doctors I should see, what medications I should request, what diets I should implement, what exercises I should add, what activities I should join, what jobs I should take, what schedules I should keep, how I should use my spare time, and more.

For the most part, I genuinely appreciate such input because I know people are trying to help and show support. That means the world to me. But unfortunately, many suggestions, ideas or in worst cases, judgments, really aren’t what I need. Because people don’t understand where I truly am or what I am actually capable of. That is not at all their fault. But many times, such suggestions, especially when it’s about something that I cannot physically handle or am weary of, only make me feel increasingly guilty, ashamed and isolated.

I am NOT saying that I never want suggestions or helpful ideas from others. I value these suggestions and many times they have been answers to prayer. But it is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed and confused by so many overlapping suggestions if I am not careful and don’t listen to my body first and foremost.

Many times I have gone through with an activity or decision in reaction to fear of what others may think of me only to have it backfire on my own health and recovery. In those times, I have chosen to push myself unwisely just so people won’t think me lazy, unmotivated, selfish or fill-in-the-blank. These choices were a pure reaction done to avert judgment from others rather than a confidently made decision on my part.

Don’t get me wrong—I believe there is a time and place for others to speak into my life and provide guidance. But at the end of the day, I am stuck with my own choices. And if I don’t listen to my body and advocate for myself, nobody else will.

I still hate disappointing others. I detest hurting those I care about or even strangers, if I’m being honest. And I don’t want to lose that sensitivity. But I am learning how to take ownership of my life choices and peacefully accept that not everybody will understand or even approve of them. I recognize that nobody will perfectly grasp my chronic illness and therefore may not agree with how I ration my time and energy. There will always be people out there who think I could be pushing harder—but they aren’t the ones who will feel the pain.

If I’m not careful, taking in those voices can easily add a pasty layer of shame and guilt on top of a preexisting pot of pain, weariness and self-pressure. Because on top of all my internal and physical struggles, it can feel like people only see what I’m not doing instead of recognizing all that I am managing to do with great difficulty. This dark reaction is exactly why is is so critical that I am okay letting go of the need for others to approve of every decision I make.

A Difficult Choice

I am learning to see that such disapproval or judgement from others, even those I love most, needn’t be my concern. I don’t need to take on unnecessary guilt or shame. And most of all, I don’t need to live my life in reaction to other people’s opinions.

Aside from my faith and close relationships, my health is my most precious gift. Energy is my most precious commodity and it is up to me to ration that commodity well each day. So that means making wise decisions based on what I can handle even if that means disappointing others sometimes by default.

It means risking that people may misjudge me as lazy if I can’t take on extra responsibilities. It even means saying no or putting boundaries down with those closest to me at times if I deem it necessary. Very few people in my life are worth backsliding in my health for—but at the end of that day, that needs to be my choice to make rather than a reaction to what someone else thinks I should do.

There are certain times and places where I gladly push through pain and fatigue in order to prioritize something or someone else. But unfortunately there is ALWAYS a physical price to pay for such pushing. That is why I am extremely selective about the choices I make and the feedback I implement.

Learning The Balance

I truly believe that people-pleasing is a dangerous mentality that can slip into and wreak havoc in all areas of life. If we aren’t careful, we can let others live our life for us—but we will have to live with the consequences. While chronic Lyme is teaching me to make self-assured choices for my health, I am also learning to implement this mindset into all life categories.

This concept is also promoted throughout Scripture. The Bible refers to people-pleasing as “the fear of man,” and continually warns against it. Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe,” and Psalm 118:8 says, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.” It is encouraging that God knows how easily we can fall prey to fearing others’ disapproval sometimes. And he reminds us that others can’t know what’s truly best for us the way that he can. That is why, as a believer, I am seeking to value God’s approval, given unconditionally through faith in Christ (Galatians 4:4-5), above anyone else’s.

Again—this doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for listening to advice. After all, there are several Scriptures that encourage us to do just that. Proverbs 19:20 says, “listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in future,” and Proverbs 11:14 says, “where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in abundance of counselors there is safety.” I think the difference lies in our motives and how we react from such advice. Do we bow down to other’s opinions out of fear of judgment or disapproval? Or do we thoughtfully weigh others’ advice against our own convictions and move forward in confidence? My goal is to do the latter.

What About You?

So I’ve been doing a lot of talking here. I’m curious to know if anybody else can relate to me. I know some people don’t have nearly as hard of a time with people-pleasing as I do, but I wonder if it still slips in there unnoticed at times.

Are there any areas that you particularly struggle with wanting others’ approval? If so, how have you learned to deal with that in a healthy way? I’d love to hear!