2019 Roundup--Part 1
2019, what a year you have been! Because I have so much to share, this will be a two-post series. In this post I want to focus on actual highlights of the year—both blessings and challenges. In part two, I will focus on lessons learned in 2019 and reflect more about my word of the year, steadfastness.
Let’s get to it!
Positive Highlights
1.) Artistic Adventures
I enthusiastically probed within my artistic muse to create a variety of colorful cards and projects. This activity significantly livened my year with more purpose and joy. Not only could I share these creations with many people, but I received strong encouragement to do more with these creations. While I am in no rush, I am certainly still interested in seeing how I can maximize this passion in a productive and profitable way. The journey has only just begun!
2.) Blogging
This blog has been a complete blast! I enjoy exploring new subject areas to write about. From my personal struggles and lessons, to my love of all things imaginative and creative, to my desire to share more of my faith journey, blogging has been a terrific outlet. While I’m still figuring it all out, and still make silly mistakes, I savor the freedom to write about absolutely anything I want!
3.) Visiting Friends
2019 gave me multiple opportunities to return to the D.C./Northern Virginia area and visit with some of my favorite people. Birthday parties, sister weekends, reconnecting with old coworkers, staying with my godparents and being a bridesmaid are some of the highlights from those visits. While I never have enough time or energy to see everyone and do everything I want, I am truly grateful for to have connected with many beloved friends I miss every day. Revisiting my old college and first job stomping grounds was also the first time I ever felt old….just saying.
4.) Books
2019 was completely revolutionized by reading copious amounts of fiction. I’v always been an avid reader when it comes to Christian living or theology books, and still am, but until 2019 I hardly made time to read fiction. Rekindling that first love of fiction books expanded my inner world to new heights of delight, excitement and appreciation for life and people. I discovered the meaning to this quote by Mason Cooley in new ways: “Reading gives us someplace to go when we must stay where we are.” I can’t wait to blog about reading and books more—but suffice it to say that I have no regrets for the amount of hours I’ve spent consuming stories.
5.) Bible Study Support
Time in Bible study was hands-down the top highlight of 2019. Midway through the year, I joined a weekday morning women’s Bible study group. The first study we did together was Believe God, by Beth Moore. This study transformed my life. Not only was the study itself so powerful and encouraging, but doing life with these ladies gave me crucial support and love during an extremely difficult season. Their generosity, earnestness, thoughtfulness and devotion continually breathes life into my weary soul and inspires me with new visions for who I want to become. We have done a few studies together now, and each one was equally valuable. I am truly excited to see what 2020 brings our group as we continue to study and share life!
Challenges
1.) Lyme Treatment Complications and Backsliding
The most discouraging and arduous part of 2019 was the dismal backslide in my health. 2018 seemed to be on an upward trajectory, but that progress seemed to plateau for a little bit before steadily declining throughout early 2019. By summer, I was worse in some ways than I’ve ever been—experiencing new levels of widespread burning pain and soreness, flu-like malaise, weakness, severe chronic insomnia and disturbing neurological symptoms.
We discovered that the culprit to this steep decline was likely mold-induced illness from my living situation and window air conditioner. Fall was dedicated to intensive cleaning and detoxing from such exposure and damage (at least a solid start). Unfortunately I am still quite ill and the treatment for mold-induced damage has still been a bit rough, especially when it comes to my chronic insomnia. I have good weeks thrown in there still, but the flare ups are rather intense. Nevertheless, I am looking into trying some new treatments next year and am still truly grateful for the good days or good hours I still get to be able to stay in the world the best I can!
2.) Mental Health Struggles
Piggybacking off the previous point, one of the biggest hardships of 2019 was the jarring mental health struggles I endured throughout the summer. Before the mold exposure was discovered, especially the black mold in my bedroom air conditioner, I thought I was officially going crazy. I thought the years of chronic Lyme and all of it’s relentless, daily afflictions had finally did me in and I had somehow snapped beneath the pressure. I have never before experienced such frightening bouts of depression, debilitating mood swings or intense attention deficit struggles before. For the first time in my life I tried psychiatric medication—only to find my symptoms exacerbated in addition to host of new side effects. In the meantime, friends and my Lyme doctor kept suggesting that I look into mold as a culprit of my symptoms, as mold can have heinous effects on the brain. After testing confirmed this, we gathered that my psychiatric symptoms were likely more mold-induced and psychiatric medicine wouldn’t be the right treatment approach.
Dealing with the mold sources in my living environment (in doses) and eliminating psychiatric drugs somehow seemed to be the formula to get my mind mostly back. At least for now. While I still struggle with intense brain fog or scatterbrained confusion at times (it’s pretty embarrassing), I feel like my light, happy self again most days and for that I am immensely grateful. I realize that such mental battles could return, but I feel better equipped to deal with them if they do.
3.) False Starts
2019 brought a lot of teases and false starts. For example, I attempted a few job endeavors that were promising at first, but quickly unraveled my health and didn’t work out. I experimented and failed with a lot of small personal goals and that was discouraging. I had seasons where I felt better and excitedly took on more social endeavors and responsibilities but was forced to confront the reality that I couldn’t quite handle them. I made strides plugging into certain community groups only to then have to switch gears down the road to accommodate unexpected life or health changes. It was often frustrating and discouraging. But the opportunities provided me a lot of valuable insight and personal growth as my faith was stretched in new ways.
4.) Confronting Weaknesses
This year was exposing. I was tried in ways that brought me to the absolute end of myself more than once. At times, my physical, emotional and even spiritual strength was zapped and I truly learned what it’s like to live solely on prayers and support. I wobbly arose only to plummet down hard. I grasped the nearest handle and it charred my hands like a blazing iron. But on the ground I came to terms with a very important, albeit uncomfortable, truth. I am one hundred percent dependent on God. On my own, without his sustaining grace and power, my strength exhausts and implodes under the weight of these trials. But I think for the first time in my life I’ve started learning what the apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10, “When I am weak, then I am strong.” I became aware of how weak I am—which forced me to learn to rely on God’s strength.
But in learning to rely on God’s strength, I began to slowly feel stronger in ways that I never imagined I could. Because it was a supernaturally infused strength from God that opened up my heart to receive abundant comfort and hope in the midst of such shattering discouragement and weariness. I started appreciating a verse that so often used to frustrate me: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
5.) Relational Challenges
And finally, 2019 brought some relational challenges. From struggling to feel well enough to invest in growing new friendships to transitioning out of another relationship, it was a choppy ride. While I feel an odd peace about where I am, striving to invest in a community while chronically ill is difficult. With 2019 being so jagged at times, it was discouraging not to have the stability of an established community, especially since a lot of my closest friends are still out of state. Fortunately I was able to slowly plant seeds of friendship and I have faith that those seeds will start to grow more in 2020. After all, don’t they say that the best things in life are worth waiting and working for?
Stay Tuned
Well, that’s all I’m saying on this blog post. 2019 was a year of immense testing—a year of truly learning what it means to trust God when walking through the valley of the shadow of death. A year of receiving such grace from others when I needed it the most and a year of stinging trials followed by breaths of stunning clarity and joy. Though the year held much pain and hardship, these difficulties were not in vain. I believe this year’s trials have taught me lessons that could not be learned any other way. And while I don’t wish to repeat the experience, I can honestly say I am grateful for the new depths of faith and hope and vulnerability that God has given me in 2019.
Stay tuned for part two to read more about these lessons and all that I have learned about steadfastness!