Life Lessons from Lyme
I hesitated to get so personal with what I am about to share. I am a private person by nature and don't typically bear my soul or opinions to the world (and for good reason).
But as this blog gains momentum I have grown surprisingly comfortable in sharing my "ponderings." I was actually stunned by the encouraging feedback I received after sharing my Lyme Disease (LD) story.
Instead of focusing on the medical challenges of LD and associated treatments, I want to share some of biggest life challenges that LD has presented. I'm going to be VERY real about some of the emotional, psychological and spiritual challenges that Lyme Disease presents. Some might call these the unseen challenges of Lyme Disease.
And while these challenges are honest and sobering, this post is not meant to be a downer. In fact, I plan on explaining how each of these challenges is teaching me valuable lessons that I am slowly but surely learning to treasure.
Challenges:
1.) People (try as they might) do not understand
Well-meaning as they are, those who have not experienced a chronic illness like LD simply cannot understand what you are going through. And that's okay. But it makes interacting with others challenging when they cannot see your illness or understand how daunting simple interactions might be. They won't understand how you can start off okay but lose steam in about ten minutes. Or they won't understand why you look "so great" but feel like you are dying inside. Or why you seemed "so great last week, what happened?" It can be frustrating and defeating when, on top of trying to handle yourself and keep it together, people can't even see your struggle because you look normal enough. But I'mlearning that I don't need to justify myself to others, and to accept that my pain is legitimate and real whether they see it or not!
2.) It is tempting to compare your life to others
This is a big one. And this struggle is not limited to Lyme sufferers. But having a chronic illness that has removed you from the "rat race" and normal tempo of life can magnify the struggle. When you see your friends getting promotions, traveling, going out and about, getting married, etc. it can be very hard not to look at their lives and think that you got ripped off somehow. After all, why dothey (fill in the blank) have it so much easier? I've been there, thought that.
As tempting as it can be to wallow in self-pity and comparison, it does nothing to better your circumstances and only makes you feel worse! Everybody has their own battles, and I feel certain that many of them are hidden beneath the surface just like these Lyme ones can be. As my mother would say, there is always someone who has it better and always someone who has it worse than you. It's helpful to put things into that perspective.
3.) You often grow tired of waiting...and waiting...
This may be the hardest Lyme challenge of all. The waiting. Because you just don't know when you will truly be better, if at all. I am not trying to be pessimistic, but I have no promises that I will heal completely and I know plenty of Lyme sufferers who have struggled for years and continue to do so. So.....where's the hope? Keep reading!
4.) You can struggle with feeling like a burden to others
Ahhh, yes. People can really be so great. And I truly would not be where I am without their help. But sometimes you just feel like you have asked for help or canceled plans one too many times already. Surely they will start to resent you. I have thought these things many times. But I am finding (slowly but surely) that most people sincerely do want to help and I am learning to accept it.
5.) It can feel like your life is on hold
This one piggybacks off of point 3--the waiting game. In addition to waiting for your own complete healing, it feels like your life has hit pause and will resume after that unknown date in the future. Your career, social life, travel aspirations, active hobbies, etc. are all waiting for you after you get better so you can participate like a normal human. That mindset can get depressing fast. And social media doesn't make it any easier!
Lessons:
1.) I am finding many opportunities to learn and grow in the extra time that I have
I have learned that time is only wasted if I let it be so. So while it can feel like my time is a waste because I can't be as lucratively productive as I was while working full-time in PR, it actually gives me many opportunities to try other things.
Not only have I gotten to spend more time with my parents then I ever thought I would again (which has it's challenges, don't get me wrong) but I have gotten to explore many other areas of interest. I have dabbled in painting, various crafts, planned a tea party with my friends, read several instructive and entertaining books, done challenging Bible studies, help my mother with her interior design business (Home By Design) and got to start this blog. When I spell it all out like that, I'm reminded that this time has not been a complete waste. On good days, when my energy is higher and my mind is sharper, I feel fortunate to have this flexibility.
2.) I am learning to let go of the need to obsessively control my life and to take things day at a time
This is a very valuable lesson. But I find that the struggle to remember this lesson is a daily battle. Contrary to what I sometimes think, I cannot control my life. I cannot heal myself. I can try my best to follow my doctor's orders, eat right, get enough rest, etc. but beyond that I am powerless.
I am learning that as frustrating as that is, it's okay. Because I am not meant to carry that burden. And when I try to carry it, it just weighs me down and taunts me with all the "what ifs" that I have no control over. So I slow down, remember who is truly in control, and reorient my focus on what is most important today. It helps a lot. (Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't have emotional breakdowns and sometimes just need chocolate, a hug and someone to listen!)
3.) I am learning not to put the weight of my happiness and personal fulfillment on circumstances, people or accomplishments
Yes, it's possible to find contentment and fulfillment even when life sucks. And i'm not talking about positive thinking or just smiling through pain, either. While that may help some people, I find that it just feels dishonest or even like a complete denial of reality. Sometimes life is just hard. Period. When you feel too sick to do anything but you have responsibilities. When you feel too much brain fog and anxiety to carry a conversation with people you love and snap at them anyways (sorry, parents). Or when you haven't slept well in days, haven't socialized in person with anybody besides your parents in weeks, and after spending five minutes measuring out all of your expensive herbal drops in your water you drop the glass all over the floor (true story).
Some people may say, "it could always be worse," or "count your blessings," but on days like that, or months of days mostly like that, sometimes you just don't want to hear it. Circumstances can really be hard, and people, as much as they love you, can still disappoint you and hurt your feelings. When you are too fatigued to do anything even slightly productive so you end up wasting hours binge-watching YouTube or Netflix it can be easy to feel like a complete failure.
But it's times like this, when everything feels like it's unravelling, that I am so thankful to trust a God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3) and who bears my burdens and sustains me (Psalm 55:22). Because when the rubber meets the road, I am not strong enough to get through some of these hard days. I don't have the inner gumption that it takes to be positive and happy when my body, mind and relationships are in shambles. But when I choose to trust in and rely on God and his promises, I can get through it. When I choose to meditate on and rest in them, I can even find joy. Not naive positivity that ignores the reality of how hard things are, but joy that God loves me and will use these struggles to accomplish his purposes through me. That is fulfilling.
4.) I am learning patience for the present and gratitude for the little things in life
I used to think I was a patient person. Ha! Well, let's just say I have a long way to go. But I do believe that slowly but surely I am learning to be less "I need instant gratification now, please," and am training myself to wait better.
What has made waiting more bearable is practicing gratitude (because it's something I have had to purposefully learn). When I feel impatient with my healing progress or lack of a plan for my future (hello, i'm a millennial) I choose to think of three things that I am thankful for. And usually I end up thinking of more like ten things that are actually awesome and worth recognizing. It helps balance my perspective without lying to myself.
Plus, the little things in life, like sunshine, flowers, a new blouse, or a day where I feel good enough to get outside and meet someone for coffee or a nice dinner out are like winning the lottery! There are so many fantastic little gifts in life and I am becoming more appreciative of them than ever before.
5.) I have grown deeper in my faith and am finding purpose in my suffering (really, though)
I believed in God before all this, but I don't know if I can honestly say I trusted him with my life. It is easier to believe in God when life is sunny and good. But when things are taken from you, one by one, and you don't know why or when things will get better, that's when you learn what you truly believe. Do I really believe that God is good? Or if I believe he is good, do I believe he knows what he is doing? Do I really believe I am a sinner completely saved by his grace alone? Or do I actually believe, deep down, that somehow I deserve a pain-free life with everything I want?
I don't believe that it's wrong to desire healing and restoration in my life. And I do earnestly desire and pray for those things. But I am learning that I'm not owed them and don't need them to have a fulfilling life. Like a good father who knows best, God wants to give me himself more than anything else because he is the best thing I could ever have. He wants me to learn to truly trust in and delight in him even when I don't understand what he is doing and it's painful. And that's sometimes hard to swallow. But I am finding that it's totally worth it. As Tim Keller often says in quoting Jonathan Edwards, for those who trust God, "our bad things will turn out for good, our good things can never be lost, and the best things are yet to come." Amen to that!
Chronic illnesses, especially largely invisible ones, are sometimes excruciating. The physical symptoms are hard enough, but the emotional pain and loneliness that comes along with a long-term illness can be even worse. But these hard times can teach some of the most valuable lessons and create some of the best fruit. By God's grace, I am determined to let these challenges shape me into a a women of deeper faith, stronger compassion and greater joy.
For anyone going through a chronic or invisible illness, I would love to hear of any of the valuable life lessons you are learning. I am sure I can learn from you, too!
P.S. I hope you enjoyed my dramatic photos. It's been really fun to find ways to make interesting pictures with the random artifacts we have around our house. :)