Relationships: Rethinking Attraction

Recently I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my romantic relationships since becoming a Christian. Relationships are always complicated and unique, but through experience, counseling and intentional study, I have learned some solid lessons regarding what makes a healthy connection to someone.

Coming from a Christian perspective, there are a few things I have been taught to look for and prioritize in a relationship--faith and character. Let me unpack this. As a Christian, I believe it is absolutely critical to date someone who shares my faith. I couldn't connect with them on the level I needed to if they didn't. In addition to that, I have been encouraged to value strong character. What I mean is to look for someone who is humble, hardworking, encouraging and sacrificial. And I believe these are excellent things to look for in a partner.

Unfortunately, in Christian circles, there is tendency to overemphasize faith and character and make them out to be the only components necessary to make a relationship work. I understand that there is good motivation behind this emphasis. It certainly is important to not compromise on your core values at the expense of putting more superficial items before them (looks, passion, etc.). But I do not believe that dating someone who shares your faith and has solid character is enough in itself to sustain a relationship, nor do I think that it is shallow or selfish to want to share more with someone than their faith.

Here is an interesting thought for why faith is not enough in itself: God uniquely and purposely created us in His Image and chose to give us unique gifts. He didn’t design us as a one-size-fits-all shirt where we can pull someone off the "dating rack". To focus solely on the faith, or fruits of faith, of a person when dating ignores the variety of gifts and qualities they possess and minimizes the complex design of God’s creations.

So if faith and solid character are not enough components to create a satisfying relationship then what else is needed? That is where the second lesson I have learned comes into play. In order to build a satisfying relationship, I believe mutual comprehensive attraction must exist. So what is comprehensive attraction? It is the attraction built by knitting together the emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual characteristics of a person. Reading through Tim Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage has helped me understand this concept, so it is not my original idea!

In past relationships, I didn't realize how important it was to have this comprehensive attraction. I learned that it is very possible to genuinely care about, admire and even love someone, but not feel the holistic, healthy attraction that forms the love necessary for marriage. Without all four components of that attraction, there will always be something missing in the relationship. I learned through experience that if these components are not each present, no amount of extra time in a relationship can develop them. I realized that staying with someone to whom you do not truly, deeply connect with is actually unloving to them.

If I knew someone was dating me because I checked the boxes of shared faith and character, but they didn't feel drawn to me in the ways that I felt to them, I would much prefer them to end the relationship. I wish that I realized and understood this concept long ago. I believe it would have saved me and people I've dated a lot of time, energy and heartbreak.

There are a few more points I want to make regarding this topic. While I firmly advocate for holistic attraction in dating, I recognize that emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical attraction may ebb and flow. In fact, I am convinced that these components of attraction will fluctuate. My argument is not that these elements be perfectly present at all times, but rather to acknowledge they must exist the majority of the time. It could be some sort of communication gap, disagreement or personal circumstance that is causing ruptures in these ways of connecting with that person. These ruptures are normal and I wouldn't advocate for ending a relationship because you feel a little distant now and then. After spending a certain amount of time with someone, you should realize the essence of who they are, what they value, and what makes them tick. Remembering their true person can help you hang in there when they may be a little distant or you are both out of sync. In a healthy relationship you can find ways to balance out and reconnect because you share those foundational core values and a healthy comprehensive attraction.

My next point is that you will not necessarily know whether you connect with someone on all of these important levels instantly. I am a firm believer that you should give someone a fair chance before determining whether or not you can be comprehensively attracted to them. If it is important to be able to connect intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically, I do not see how you could possibly make that determination before spending at least one or more quality dates with someone.

It takes time to get to know someone's attitude, thought processes, behavior and passions. Though you could assess someone's physical appearance instantly, you cannot truly evaluate their person without investing time in getting to know them. There have been multiple instances in my life where I wasn't initially physically attracted to someone, but after getting to know their heart, interests, personality and mind, I became physically drawn to them. A true holistic attraction formed after I got to know that person on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level.

Healthy multifaceted attraction is a delicate balance. I definitely do not presume to be a dating expert, but I truly believe that understanding this concept is crucial in evaluating whether someone is a wise match for you, regardless of your faith or core beliefs.

While there is so much more I want to say about relationships, this is probably the point I feel most passionate about. I know other people who, like me, have struggled with this concept and have beaten themselves up because they didn't have the connection that they desired with someone who was, in every other sense of the word, a great catch. It is a confusing and sometimes a heart-wrenching place to be. I also know people who, like me again, have been tempted to write someone off too quickly because they didn't understand the balance of healthy attraction or didn't give it enough time to truly develop. I believe both approaches can lead to unnecessary hurt or regret and I only hope to share what I see as a healthy approach based on some hard-learned experiences. In my current relationship I learn more every day about what it means to love and value someone on an emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical level. The more I learn, the more I realize how much I still need to learn. But understanding the value of these concepts gives me clarity and peace when the uncertainties of life and mistakes of the past are trying to haunt me. I hope that anyone reading this can resonate with it on some level.

Please feel free to leave any thoughts, questions, concerns or even rebuttals. I would love to hear what some other people think regarding these ideas, or what they have learned themselves in the messy world of relationships!